MERMAIDS

I think I am going to melt
I say in a southern accent
as if I possess
the constitution
of a graceful antebellum beauty
or an ice cube
that is stupid
I dream of a large, clean
ideal workspace
like a cartoon dog
dreams of steak
every time I think something's funny
I should write it down
why do I exist?
what is it
I am trying for?
ha—ha—HA!
I laughed that in a Southern accent
oh, this, this thing, it— life
keeps going
It's just like how
bacteria outsmarts
each and every advancement
in antibacterial soap
why might one
want to be around me?
who is one?
I am many
why haven't I felt
too manic in a while?
online dating is the pits
I have, like, so many stupid verbal ticks
I sweat so much when I walk
way more than most ladies
and I always get nervous
honestly, really really worried
that if there's a fly near me
it's because I actually smell
like a cartoon piece of shit
I miss my mom a little bit
but I can't admit it
my hips are so damn big
and I could be a size six
if it weren't for
my thighs
and the rest of my body
let's be clear
in this poem, I am speaking to
a group of people
in a big room
called the universe
and i'ma lay down
some ground rules
we've got to be more open
about the grosser functions of the human body
we must accept the brine and the bacteria
if we ever want to advance
as a human race
discuss: romantic love
discuss: the idiocy of hugging
discuss: I’m probably sweating
I dreamt of being
a weird mermaid
in my sleep—
I'm so nervous
about dry skin
about asymmetricality
am I irregular?
I know that I am, but what if I am
irregularly irregular?
I will freak out about my margin of error
mermaids are encouraged to have
a supple chest size, and to be
super fuckable
the best kinds
have a small waist
and they’re supposed to have long, flowing hair
I’m kind of already drowning in sea water
here you won't find any sort
of elegant departure
here you will find a nervous mother
who drops her newborn child
on its head

MERMAIDS

I think I am going to melt
I say in a southern accent
as if i possess
the constitution
of a graceful antebellum beauty
or an ice cube
that is stupid
i dream of a large, clean
ideal workspace
like a cartoon dog
dreams of steak
every time i think something's funny
I should write it down
why do i exist?
what is it
I am trying for?
ha—ha—ha—ha—ha!
I laughed that in a southern accent
oh, this, this thing, it— life
keeps going
It's just like how
bacteria outsmarts
each and every advancement
in antibacterial soap
why might one
want to be around me?
who is one?
I am many
why haven't i felt
  too manic in a while?
online dating is the pits
i have, like, so many stupid verbal ticks
i sweat so much when i walk
way more than most ladies
and i always get nervous
honestly, really really worried
that if there's a fly near me
it's because I actually smell
like a cartoon piece of shit
i miss my mom a little bit
but I can't admit it
my hips are so damn big
and i could be a size 6
if it weren't for
my thighs
and the rest of my body
let's be clear
in this poem, I am speaking to
a group of people
in a big room
called the universe
and i'ma lay down
some ground rules
we've got to be more open
about the grosser functions of the human body
we must accept the brine and the bacteria
if we ever want to advance
as a human race
discuss: romantic love
discuss: the idiocy of hugging
discuss: sexually transmitted fungus
discuss: I’m probably sweating
I dreamt of being
a weird mermaid
in my sleep-
I'm so nervous
about dry skin
about asymmetricality
am I irregular?
I know that I am, but what if I am
irregularly irregular?
i will freak out about my margin of error
mermaids are encouraged to have
a supple chest size, and to be
super fuckable
the best kinds
have a small waist
and they’re supposed to have long, flowing hair
I’m kind of already drowning in sea water
Here you won't find any sort
of elegant departure
Here you will find a nervous mother
who drops her new child
on its head